How to Take The Joy Out Of Cooking

"I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours" (from Three Men In A Boat by Jerome K. Jerome)

I think this can apply to cooking too if you consider cooking to be work. I suppose cooking can be a joy if you only have to do it occasionally. But either way there is a fascination with the process of cooking as evidenced by the numerous cooking shows on TV with entire channels dedicated to the culinary arts.

I have watched these shows for a number of years now. In the beginning, they did provide instructions and demonstrations and one could learn a thing or two. I even got inspired to attempt some dishes. But it is hard to have a dedicated channel  going all day in this fashion. Soon came the contests and competitions, wars and battles as the shows are billed. And now they have pretty much taken over with each new show trying to become more bizarre than the next. They can still be entertaining at times though.

In one show, incongruent ingredients are thrown at the participants who have to make a dish out of them. There was another where the participants could sabotage one another. There is always a time limit along with additional conditions. Dramatic music and side bars with contestants are added to build tension and emotions. Many contestants have some sad back story or a serious challenge they overcame. All in all, the show could be about sewing or cabinet building as much as about cooking. If you hope to learn any recipes from these, they can only be recipes for disaster.

Here's the format for many of the culinary 'battles' and 'wars' that are constantly being fought on television. The contestants are given a random set of ingredients which must be incorporated in a dish they will make for the judges. Sometimes a twist is added in the middle by way of a new ingredient or condition. After three rounds of elimination, a winner emerges.

Let me paint a typical scenario for you (okay, I will admit that this has not actually come up but if it does, do remember that you saw it here first!).

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'Alright, contestants. You have thirty minutes to wow the judges with your take on a dessert using these ingredients - apples, banana peels, potato chips and castor oil. In addition to these, you have access to our full pantry but these must be incorporated in some way. So get set, on your mark and go!' so saying the host flags off the round.

The participants scurry into the pantry to grab the other items to make their dish sort of edible. Dramatic music fills the speakers and cuts to each contestant with them explaining what they plan to do. 'I am making ice-cream using pureed banana peels and chopped apples. I have no idea what to do with the castor oil', 'I got this. My grandma used to cook banana peels all the time and she used castor oil as a secret ingredient',  'Oh my god, castor oil! Is it even safe to use in cooking? I don't know what I am going to do' and so on. In between, you get to know that one of them was in a serious accident and another beat cancer.

The judges are discussing the ingredients. 'This is tough. Banana peels are bad enough but castor oil? I dread what we are going to be served'. The host of the show joins them and asks, 'Isn't castor oil a laxative? I hope these guys don't go crazy with it'. Interestingly, the host never tastes any of the dishes leading me to think that perhaps he/she has not not signed a waiver indemnifying the producers. I mean I cannot imagine that there are not a few nasty side effects from eating the dishes served up in these competitions. But the judges never tell! I suppose there is also a non-disclosure clause involved.

Half way through, the host calls out, 'Okay, chefs. Come and get the secret ingredient for today. You have to use this in your desserts'. More dramatic music, groans from participants as they hurry to pick up the brown paper bags. 'Wait, my bag is empty!', 'So is mine', 'Is this a joke?' fly the comments. The host with a deadpan expression tells them that the bag itself is the secret ingredient leaving them stunned.

'Now this is a first' comments one judge to the next. 'Well, paper is just cellulose and is not really harmful, you know', assures the host but there is apprehension in the judges' eyes as they wonder if they are biting off more than they can chew (yeah, pun intended).

Finally comes the part for which the host is best trained. He starts the count down in a thundering tone, 'Ten, nine, eight..'  and so on and concludes, 'one, time's up! Step away from your dish!'

'Chef Joe, you are up first. Tell us what you have made' 'I have made an apple pie with fried banana peel strips dipped in chocolate on top. The chips and castor oil have been used in the crust' 'What about the paper bag?' 'I burnt it and added the ash to the filling' 'Wow, what a transformation! But let's taste the pie' 'I am not getting any taste of the ash but the castor oil is not a nice flavour here' says one judge. 'Yes, it could have been toned down', agrees another.

Next up is Chef Molly. She has ground up the peels and some of the paper bag into the ice-cream. 'I perfumed the castor oil with spices and drizzled a few drops on top' 'That's sheer genius! But I cannot really taste the paper bag' (No kidding, I am thinking. What do you expect?) 'Still, I am loving the ice-cream. Well done'

The third chef has made some kind of apple crisp. The topping includes strips of the paper bag that have been dipped in cinnamon sugar and flash fried. Again, great transformation but the paper is somehow still chewy once the sugar melts in the judges' mouths. All in all, a creditable dish still it seems.

The final chef has made a really good dessert but he seems to have left out the peels and the castor oil. As for the paper bag, he has served the dish in the bags. Now, leaving out one ingredient may get a pass but three, come on, you are asking to be eliminated. When quizzed why he left them out, he says, 'Well, someone had to say the emperor has no clothes on. As far as I am concerned, banana peels and paper are not food and castor oil does not belong in a dessert. And I served this in the paper bags so that you can at least take away something edible with you'.