Can You Hold Please?

'All our representatives are busy assisting other customers. Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line and your call will be answered by the next available representative', said the nondescript voice over the phone. This may give the impression that there is an army of reps answering calls from customers. But what if there are only a handful? And I have called at a busy time? How long will I have to wait? How do I know I am the next in line to be helped? This creates an annoyance. Calling to make a complaint already predisposes me to be unhappy and the wait is only aggravating the situation.

I resign myself to a long wait. To make things worse, instead of playing some boring music, this company has decided to use the waiting time to pitch more of their products and services. Clever use of multiple recorded messages fools me into thinking that my call was at last being answered every time a new message starts off. It takes a while to realize this which, need I say, adds more to my frustration. I try to focus on the fact that the call is being paid for by the company and the longer I am waiting, the more it costs the company. One can take some small consolation in that.

'Can you hold, please?' is something we all remember from calling any service or business - airlines, doctor's office, bank, telephone company, hardware store, etc. etc. But being greeted by a human being and then put on hold is actually better than being greeted by an automated response which then puts you on hold. I suspect that in the first case your wait time is going to be less. If the business has not invested in an automated call management system, they may not be getting flooded with too many calls. A receptionist or an operator can handle them. At least that is what I think.

Given that the system unwittingly adds to the frustration of the callers, I think we must spare a thought to the poor service rep who has to face their wrath at the end of a long wait. It is certainly not his/her fault. I often remind myself of this and refrain from ranting at the rep.

Sometimes you are given an estimated wait time before your turn comes up. If you are told that you have to wait fifteen minutes, you may decide that it is too long and hang up. Perhaps this is the intent - to discourage customers from staying on the phone. Perhaps I am being too cynical. Knowing how long you have to wait is not a bad thing after all. Surely that is helpful.

There are companies that actually tell you that you are the fifth or sixth or whatever in the queue. The best way I have seen this being handled is when you are offered the choice of waiting or having your call returned. You are given an estimate of when to expect the call too. Of course, this will also save the company from paying telephone charges for waiting time. Win-win I suppose, if you can call it that.

Whatever be the system, it would seem we are at the mercy of the company but this post will not be complete if I don't tell you about the time I was able to return the favour. I was about to move to San Diego and had called the phone company to have a service established there. I was just not able to even get through, let alone being put on hold. After getting a busy signal a number of times, I tried different numbers that I could find. Finally, I got through and a voice answered at the other end. It took me a few seconds to realize that it was actually a person and not a recording.

I was happy that I got through at last and told the rep that I wanted to establish a new service in San Diego. My heart fell when he said that I had reached Pacific Bell of North CA but I should call PB of Southern CA. I told him in the nicest possible way with more than a tinge of sarcasm that if he knew of a way of getting through to them, I would love to hear it and was ready to hang up. But miraculously, and I am not making this up, he said he was transferring the call to the appropriate person!

Thus I was able to get to the right representative. While I was talking to him, I got a call and said to him, 'Can you hold, please? I am getting another call' barely giving it a second thought. It only hit me when a few minutes later I got another call and was able to put him on hold again, smiling to myself in smug satisfaction. It had been a stressful day and my failed attempts to get through to the phone company had only made things worse. But now I forgot all the frustrations of the day. In fact, it turned out to be a day to recall with fondness. How often do I get to put the telephone company on hold?

Just Scroll On

I have never been active in social media. I am not part of any group that I actually joined. But not long ago I was added to a couple of alumni groups and I remain part of them mostly in a passive mode.I do enjoy staying in touch with my friends and the odd forwards now and then but I must confess that I find myself quite unable to keep up with the torrent of messages.

Many of my classmates in these groups reside in India and when I wake up in the morning they have already been posting at a good clip for many hours. Not having been in the middle of it all, I feel like I have arrived late to the party. On a typical day, I open up WhatsApp and find there are more than one hundred messages waiting to be read. I realize that I will not be able to read them without being late to work. There are several videos too that have been forwarded which will take even more time to watch.  I skip many messages especially those that just share a link without any context or comment just sliding the thumb down the screen.

The messages themselves come in random order so it is difficult to follow any particular thread. One of them catches my eye and interest but if I reply to that, I will be taken to the last message. Besides, what if someone else has already made the same point I am going to make? Maybe I should go through the rest of the messages to be sure. But I don't want to keep thumbing back and forth. You see my problem? Anyway, by the time I reach the end the urge to reply has usually dissipated. So I end up not replying most of the time.

I really admire those that are willing to type long messages in these apps. Some are merely forwarding stuff but there a few prolific texters (I am assuming they are typing on the phone). I also see that they are passionate about what they are posting. As for me, even with autocomplete, I find it tedious to type out long messages. Without that feature, I probably would keep to monosyllables.

Speaking of monosyllables, I must mention the emoticons that show up on the messages. Sometimes the entire message is just a couple of symbols. Not knowing which message prompted that response, I am left scratching my head (is there an emoji for that?). All I can say is that the rather grim previous message could not have drawn that response. You can probably tell that I am quite a novice with this thing but so are many others in the group, it appears.

Every now and then I find that I learn something new or gain a new perspective. We can easily go through our lives not reading or watching news or articles that run contrary to our political positions. The group exposes you to such views and on the whole I think that's a good thing. The discussions can become overheated especially when religion or politics is concerned. Unfortunately, sometimes it can even get personal and uncivil. I am intrigued to find that people who have not really been in constant touch are able to use strong language talking to one another. It is quite clear that we did not get to know all facets of our classmates even of some close friends during the time we spent in college. In the many decades that have gone by people have changed. Views which may or may not have been apparent back then have clearly evolved. We were a diverse group then and are still diverse probably more entrenched in our positions now.

One of the great things about the group is that makes it easy to get together with friends when travelling to different cities. They are always up for a lunch or dinner at scant notice and the resulting meet up is without fail enjoyable. We feel transported back to our days on campus where a special bond and camaraderie were forged among us. So we mark the occasion with a group photo or two. The waiter snaps them and one of us will share it on, what else, WhatsApp. Someone comments on how so and so has not changed at all. Many others respond with an emoji or two. But then there are others who want to know who is who in the picture proving that we have either changed enough or just gotten old and forgotten the faces or never knew a few of our classmates. I will leave you to decide which.

The Line That Elevates

The grocery store was crowded. All the checkout counters had several people waiting in line. I surveyed the lines to see which one would be the quickest. I could not go to the express counter as I had too many items. Should I join the one with the least number of people? Looking at their overflowing baskets, I decided against it. Those who study the psychology of queues (yes, there is such a thing) will tell you this decision making is a bit stressful. Nothing is more irritating than seeing other lines move faster when yours crawls. I don't know about your experience but the other lines always move faster. That's the law of the supermarket. And the other line moves faster until you join it!

I watched the cashier at the next counter gabbing away with a customer while people waiting there were clearly getting annoyed. 'Price check, counter three', blared a voice over the PA. I realized that it was now my turn to get annoyed as this was going to hold up my line. I wondered why the grocery store did not have a single line with multiple counters serving them. It is well established that such a system makes for faster throughput. Having multiple lines also violates that most cardinal principle of the queue - first come first served. I suppose it is a question of space.

A queue can evoke memories of times of shortages and rationing. Even when there are no shortages, the suggestion of limited supplies galvanizes people to rush to the stores. The (in)famous Black Friday sales cause stampedes because the insane discounts may be gone in the first few hours of the store opening. Even online sites may get overwhelmed by the traffic. Amusement parks get crowded and their star attractions have long waiting times to get in. The more popular it is, the more crowd it pulls. You do not want to miss it in the limited hours at your disposal.

The arrival of a new model of smartphone results in people camping out overnight to be the first ones to get their hands on one. I don't understand this though. It's not like Apple going to stop selling the phones after one day. Somewhat paradoxically, it is a competitive urge - wanting to be the first to get the new model of the phone or get that new Harry Potter book or be the first to see a new movie that motivates people here rather than any need for fairness.

When one sees people lining up outside a restaurant, the natural assumption is that it is a popular place to eat. Otherwise, why would people want to wait in line rather than go somewhere where they can satisfy their hunger quickly? I guess the hunger of the affluent is different from that of someone who is unsure where his next meal is going to come from or when.

Regardless of the reason, an orderly queue gives us the confidence that the process will be fair. So any attempt to cut in front is met with a strong collective response from those waiting. People seem capable of self-organization in these situations. Queues work well as long as there is the assurance that there is adequate supply to meet the demand. Absent that, the situation can descend into chaos.

I used to take the bus for a while when I was in Bombay. Everyone had assured me that the queue worked at the bus stops there. However, my experience was different. While there seemed to be a line of sorts waiting for the bus, the moment the bus was spotted, things changed. People surged forward to the front and swarmed the rear entrance. The conductor would then declare how many could get in and blocked any more from getting in. And in an amazing deference to the man in uniform, the crowd would fall back. But clearly, the line discipline was gone since the demand far exceeded the supply.

Long ago (at least it seems that way), before there was online reservation for train tickets, booking a train journey was a project in itself. In Bombay, the approach of the summer vacation meant wending one's way to Victoria Terminus (if you were travelling to the south as I used to) a month in advance and waiting in line to make the reservation. The railways made special arrangements to handle the rush.There was a separate booking hall for certain trains and counters were set up to handle specific trains. Some trains needed two counters because of their popularity - one for odd dates and one for even dates. Extra coaches were added during this time as families wanted go back to their native towns or villages that were usually a day and a half's journey away.

Air travel involves lines at every turn. You may be able to book your ticket online or through an agent but you have to wait in line to check your bags in. Then there is the security check. At the gate again you may have to join a queue for boarding. After all that, during the flight if you want to use the toilet, there is a line for it too. When you get off, you may have to go through immigration counter. A lot of standing and waiting indeed.

Waiting permeates every aspect of our lives. At the bus stop, the train station, the post office, the fast food counter - you have lines everywhere. Fast food eateries often have a 'drive thru' option but then you have a line of cars waiting with their engines running. Even temples are not exempt from this. Some gods it would seem are more popular than others among the devotees. The faithful are willing to stand in line patiently for hours to get the darshan of the deities at such temples. Those that cannot afford to wait are able to take the fast lane if they can afford the requisite fee. It is kind of ironic when you think that a queue is supposed to level the field. I wonder if god discounts the devotion in proportion to the fee! 

As I waited for my turn at the checkout, I wondered if queues were not a great symbol of civilization. Somehow at some point in time we human beings decided that we would wait in line to be served on a first-come-first basis instead of letting the fittest survive so to speak. We accept and expect that the queue ensures equity and efficiency. Notwithstanding its limitations, one might say that the queue is the line that elevates us to civilization from barbarism. 

The Umbrella Unfurled

"One day it started raining, and it didn't quit for four months. We been through every kind of rain there is. Little bitty stingin' rain, and big ol' fat rain, rain that flew in sideways, and sometimes rain even seemed to come straight up from underneath. Shoot, it even rained at night."  - Forrest Gump in the movie, Forrest Gump

The forecast called for rain the other day. While it is not a long walk from the parking lot to the office building, it is long enough to drench you if the rain is more than a drizzle. So I had to carry an umbrella with me. The first rain of the season always sends me hunting for one in the closet. And the search this time went something like this.

The first one I found had a faulty spring and would not close. The second one was supposed to be wind-proof - it will not get inverted in strong gusts - but the two overlapping layers were no longer overlapping and it looked as though it would not offer much protection. I asked my wife where the good one was but she informed me that there was no good one. So I had to settle for the lesser of the two evils so to speak. There was a time when such umbrellas would have been repaired and put back into service. As the rainy season approached, you would see the door-to-door repairmen on the streets. There were shops too that specialized in repairing umbrellas. I don't think the idea even exists today.

Two days after my futile search for an umbrella in working condition, I saw a large umbrella for sale at the store. I decided to get it. It looked commodious and sturdy. It was supposed to be a golf umbrella. I briefly wondered why a golfer would want to carry one at all. Obviously you cannot swing a club while holding the umbrella. But why play under such conditions carrying what is nothing short of a lightning rod?

Anyway, I was impressed by how it felt in my hand and the coverage it would provide. So I bought it and walked out. I had some slight misgiving when I threw the umbrella on the back seat of the car. It seemed to occupy the entire width of the seat. Was it too large? And when I got home and my wife reminded me that we already had a patio umbrella in the backyard, my misgiving increased. I subjected the umbrella to the critical eye. It was enormous. It looked like a tent when opened. One could take it to the beach and secure it to the ground and place a couple of chairs under it to take cover from the sun. Or one could jump off a plane and use it as a parachute. But there was no way I could operate it getting into a or out of the car without getting me and the inside of the car seriously wet. While a normal sized one would fit by the driver's seat for easy access, this one will need to go in the back. If there are people sitting there then I will have to put in the trunk. I think I have to take it back to the store.

Umbrellas used to have wooden shafts. They tended to be lighter than the newer ones which have steel shafts. In a thunderstorm, the wooden shaft is definitely safer (some of you may remember my ordeal in a bad storm - if not, you can read it here: Summer Tempest). The design of umbrellas has undergone lots of changes in recent times involving aerodynamics and aesthetics but there are two basic types of umbrellas - the original and the newer collapsible kind. Personally, I prefer the original. It is easy to close and get the clasp around it once you get indoor from the rain. It can double up as a walking stick when it is not raining or even as a means of self defense. The folding kind does not neatly fold but sort of just sprawls if I can call it that. By the time you gather the folds, it creates a puddle around your feet. It cannot be placed in a traditional stand either. But once tied up, it is compact. You can even put it inside your briefcase. In other words, it is great when not in use.

The automatic models offer some advantages. For instance, when you are getting off a bus, you could stretch out your hand and with the push of a button gain instant protection as you land on the pavement although I would be careful when I was in a crowd. Nothing stirs up emotions like an umbrella bursting open in your face!

I have debated the relative merits of using an umbrella and wearing a raincoat. When I lived in Bombay, I always preferred an umbrella during the monsoon. The raincoat caused one to sweat in all that humidity and it got too warm inside one. When you got into the bus or train, people did not  appreciate the raincoat depositing water on the seats. Besides when the rain flew in sideways as Forrest Gump eloquently put it, your face was going to be hit with sheets of water. Even with a hood, water was going to get into the raincoat. The umbrella on the other hand, created a dry zone around your head. And when the rain let up every now and then, it was hard to take off the raincoat while you could just fold up the umbrella. On the minus side, you had to carry the umbrella and if you were holding it up for a long time, your arms could get sore.

There are times when no umbrella can provide cover from the rain. I remember one such occasion from my years in Bombay. The trains were running very late. Upon seeing the sea of humanity seemingly stranded at the station, I decided to take the bus and made it about half way to work. After about a slow forty-five minute ride, the bus stopped and dropped everyone off as the road ahead was impassable. And then it started really pouring sending me scampering for shelter which I found under the awning of a storefront with about fifty others. For the next hour or so we had the big ol' fat rain. There was nothing one could do but wait. When the rain let up, it was quite clear that there was no going ahead. I had to find my way back home but that adventure took another hour and a half involving the bus, a taxi and an auto rickshaw. I also had to wade through ankle deep water getting my shoes soaked. But I was back in time for lunch!

After that, whenever the train service was disrupted, I made no heroic attempts to get to work. I would just return home.

The Art Of Fitting In

First a little story. One that is familiar to most of you.

There is an episode in the Bhaagavatam where Krishna plays a trick on Yashoda. To keep Krishna from mischief, Yashoda decided to tie Him to a large mortar. But the rope she fetched was just a little short. She tried different ropes but they always came up just slightly short. She joined two ropes together but no, they still came up short. It seemed that Krishna's midriff could not be encircled no matter what the length of the rope was. Krishna's rope trick had her totally enthralled. Finally, Krishna decided to put her out of misery and let Himself be tied up.

Why did I bring up this story? I think Krishna left a little of His mischief to remain in the world in the form of ready made clothes to have some fun at our expense.

Throw your mind back to the time when you had your clothes made to measure though some of you may be too young to throw back far enough (I like to assume that not all my readers are old like me). Back then, you did not have to fit into one of the fixed sizes - small, medium, large, etc. Or wonder whether you should get a 15 or 151/2. You just purchased the cloth and went to the tailor. The tailor would wave a tape measure around  your body and shout out incomprehensible numbers to his assistant who would take them down in a notebook. The clothes would then be made to measure. You even had a fitting session to have final adjustments made to the trousers when they were still kind of semi-finished with white marks all over.

Bespoke clothes cost a great deal now and few can afford them. Most of us are resigned to finding ready made clothes in the size that comes closest to our body measurements. For example, you have a 33 waist but the pant sizes available are either 32 or 34 (seriously the manufactures seem to have a sworn dislike for odd sizes). The sleeve length is 32/33 which means it will fit neither 32 nor 33. You feel like Goldilocks except there is no 'just right' in your case. You may be thinking that one could either gain half inch or lose half inch for the perfect fit. If only you can control your body that well! To make things worse, the pants come in sets of lengths that seem to be dependent on the waist size. For example, let us say that you need 33 waist with 29 length. You will find 32x30 or 34x29.

At least the sizes for men's clothes indicate what the actual measurements are. Not so women's. The numbers used for them seem to make no sense. They are like shoe sizes which by the way are totally incomprehensible. You just have to try the shoes to make sure they fit. Of course, the two feet are not identical in size in general the result being one shoe is tight or loose while the other fits.

It seems to me that Heisenberg's Uncertainly Principle applies to the world of ready made clothing too. For those unfamiliar with Heisenberg, he stated that it is impossible to know both the exact position and the exact speed of a particle at the same instant of time. If you are able to fix the position, the speed will be inaccurate and vice versa. I am simplifying but you get the drift. In a like manner, either the waist will fit or the length will but not both. If the shirt fits well around the chest then the shoulders are probably tight or the sleeve is too long.

'So what?', you might be saying. If your waist size falls between two available sizes, all you need to do is buy the larger size and get a belt. Ah, but this is where it gets trickier. You find that the belt too needs a hole between one that is too loose and one that is too tight. It's no use. We are destined to be a misfit one way or another. I guess we just have to suck it up literally and figuratively. The whole thing leaves me wishing sometimes that we just wore the traditional dhoties which of course come in just one size and do fit most if not all.

By the way, do you ever wonder where they get the models for advertising? The clothes seem to fit the models perfectly although that could be a result of air brushing or some other technique. My experience tells me that such human beings do not exist.

It is true that clothing manufacturers have come a long way. We now have different classes altogether of sizes like regular, fitted, slim, relaxed (for those of large proportions), and big and tall (note that these go together), and so on (what exactly is 'fitted' anyway?). Within one of these, you hope to find that magical size that is just right for you. But Krishna's Law will probably ensure that you fall in between slim and relaxed or you are lean and tall (small and tall sounds a bit of an anomaly, doesn't it?) so that slim pants are not long enough and the tall variety is too loose.

So what are we to do? If the clothes do not fit you, then you should somehow fit into them. In any case, fitting in is one of the things that we are constantly doing in life. From elementary school through college, you are being pressured to conform. And the pressure continues throughout life. The funny thing is, at the same time, you also need to stand out or risk being ignored. It is up to you to find the right balance between the two. The ready made clothes conundrum seems to be a perfect metaphor for life itself. You knew that Krishna's pranks always had a teaching in them, didn't you?

To Catch A Spider

There was a black spider on the ceiling of my bedroom. My body stiffened at the sight of it. My house is largely free of insects. But spiders do make their way in every now and then although it's probably more accurate to say that I see one now and then. For all I know there may be an entire colony of spiders in the house. Occasionally a garden lizard drops in (only because somebody leaves a door open). It is bit of a trick to coax the lizard to leave especially if it senses danger. I have had to chase one around the living room keeping it from hiding under furniture before finally leading it out through the front door. On one occasion, I found a lizard wiggling inside my shoe as I put it on causing me to jump a foot or two. But generally, the insects stay outside leaving you in peace.

Years ago, on one of my visits to my village, I saw someone using a mosquito net in summer when mosquitoes were not an issue. It seemed to me that the net would impede air flow and cause it to be stuffy inside. I asked him why he was using one. He told me that the net would catch any insects or possibly even a scorpion that might fall from the ceiling. Thanks to this information, I spent the rest of my stay worrying about scorpions falling from the ceiling. I guess that fear has stayed with me all this time.

And now here I was facing the actual possibility of an insect descending upon me while I slept. The spider seemed to have wandered to the centre of the ceiling. There was no sign of a web around. Still scoping out my bedroom for the best spot to spin one, I thought. It seemed transfixed, not moving around much. A few tentative scurries in different directions but with no discernible target. What was it doing there? Did it get lost in what must be an ocean of whiteness to its eyes? How does a spider relate to this environment?

Life as an insect must involve a great deal of uncertainty. At any moment it may be swallowed up by a lizard or a frog. Or someone may step on it although not while it is holding on to the ceiling. Perhaps this spider had figured this out and was resting there. But somehow I doubt that spiders and other insects live in constant fear. Contrariwise (I have always wanted to use that word) I was the one afflicted with fear upon seeing the spider.

I could ponder the situation endlessly but the the thought uppermost in my mind was how to get rid of the spider. Of course this was not the first time I had encountered a spider in my house. And over the years, I have evolved an effective method to get the spider out of the house when I find one. You are perhaps wondering why I do not kill it. Ten years ago, I would have gotten the vacuum cleaner with its crevice cleaning attachment and sucked it out. But I have to come look upon that as needlessly cruel. I do not like to kill the spider (or any insect as long as it is not a cockroach!) just for the crime of its having wandered into my house uninvited. Instead I catch the spider, take it outside and let it go.

Operation Spider in my house involves some equipment - a broom, a plastic cup of suitable size and a card about 7 inches by 5. The junk mail I get usually provides a good supply of suitable cards while I have found that the cover that used to come with a stack of CD-ROMs makes the best cup. All that is left then is to get the spider into the cup, cover it with the card, and take it outside. Since the spider is usually not sitting on the floor waiting for you, a certain dexterity with the broom is required to finesse it into the cup. Some early attempts at this have left a few scars on the walls.

It is tricky to get the spider even for an experienced spider catcher when it is on the ceiling. This one was also perched at the highest part of the vaulted ceiling making it difficult to reach. After a couple of practice swings, I managed to sweep it off and my wife was ready to cover it quickly with the cup (oh yeah, did I mention that it is often a two-person job?) when it fell on the floor. I slid the card between the cup and the floor with consummate ease and I was done. I then took it out to the yard and shook the cup to let the spider go.

I wondered what the spider thought of the situation. From crawling around the brightly lit ceiling in a warm room with nary a care to being trapped in a plastic cup to being thrown into the darkness - all within a couple of minutes, would be seriously disorienting. But it showed no visible sign of it as it sped away into the bushes. For my part, I felt relieved and went to bed a little pleased with how smoothly the whole thing had gone.

Musings On A Lazy Afternoon

A beautiful spring day reigns supreme in my backyard.  Mornings and evenings have their charm but the afternoons have their own appeal. After lunch, one feels contented and at peace. In the morning, one may be thinking of the day's plans. In the evening, night is approaching and it is time to retire. But on this Sunday afternoon, I feel that everything is in suspended animation. There is a sense of deep peace all around. I am sitting under the umbrella and, well, just sitting actually. And that is all that is really needed. To just sit and be still.

A benign sun is shining upon a cloudless pale blue sky. It is warm, but comfortably so. Under the shade I feel the soft caress of the cool breeze. All is quiet in the sense every sound simply belongs in the ambience. The ever garrulous birds are chirping away but less intensely than they do in the mornings. They are perhaps discussing the day's meal. The sound of cars going uphill in the main road a few block away is but a gentle hum and just adds the right backdrop. Even the neighbour's dogs are yelping in somewhat hushed manner or not at all. An occasional helicopter flying overhead strikes an incongruous note, a rumble of thunder on a cloudless sky. Closer to the ground, the humming bird flutters feverishly hovering over flowers. A garden lizard appears to be practicing push ups on the concrete floor but scurries away upon sensing the slightest movement. But despite the activity, taken as a whole, the whole world seems to be enjoying a siesta. Gentle notes of a classical guitar emanating from the house have a meditative effect further contributing to the peace felt.

There is nothing really special here. Just a small green patch with a few bushes around. A couple of trees providing shade.  Nothing to make me run and fetch the camera and take a picture. Yet my mind wants the moment to last endlessly for the moment seems perfect. I realize with a little surprise that until this thought arose I had sort of forgotten myself.

Did my mind just intrude upon a perfect scene? No matter. For the mind has the capacity not only to savour the moment but also to save it and make it permanent. It captures everything. It will allow me to recall and immerse myself in this quiet golden afternoon again and again. There will be no need to fetch the album or tap the smartphone. All I'll need is the 'inward eye' as Wordsworth put it.