Welcome to America

It was a little late at night by the time I got dressed. The restaurant in the hotel had already closed. My friends and I were hungry and wanted to get something to eat. Being new to the place, we asked the clerk at the front desk for suggestions.

America can be quite intimidating to the newcomer. After a long and tiring flight from Bombay, I had checked into the hotel.  The jet lag was enough to disorient me, but the hotel room did not help matters. Everything seemed topsy-turvy. The key had to be turned the wrong way for starters. The switches on the lamps could be turned in one direction only. Trying to turn the lamp off by turning the knob backwards did not seem to work and I had to unplug the thing from the wall ultimately so that I could take a nap. Then came the shower. Adjusting the single circular control to get the water to the right temperature proved to be a surprisingly challenging task. Let me just say that I ultimately came out about even in my battle with the shower faucet, meaning I barely escaped being scalded. Somewhat humbled by all this, I was a bit nervous by the time I came down to the lobby.

The clerk told us 'to take Lancaster and go past a couple of lights' where we would find places to eat. We looked at each other puzzled. She seemed to be using English words, but they did not make sense to us and so we sought clarifications. She said, 'Lancaster Pike', by way of explaining. When this too failed to register in our foggy state, with a hint of impatience, she pointed to the road outside which happened to be the said Lancaster. Thus enlightened, we asked her if the restaurants were within walking distance since we did not have a car. 'I guess you can go walking', she replied and seemed more than a little puzzled that we did not have a car. Well, we did not even have a driving license then but we did not tell her that. It might have caused her to faint.

Thinking that 'Couple of lights' must mean 'pretty close by', we set off on foot. The road was deserted. We felt pretty self-conscious to be the only people walking. There was no sign that we were close to any place of business. After a few minutes and several lights, it dawned on us that the clerk must have meant traffic lights and not street lamps. It took us a good twenty minutes of walking before a pizzeria came within our view. We decided to get pizzas for dinner there. I must mention here that none of us had actually seen a pizza before. We had only heard about it. This was more than thirty years ago and pizza had not yet arrived in India.

After our encounter with the desk clerk, I knew that it would not be easy but it turned out to be exhausting to get through the whole ordering process because the man at the counter had to explain many things to us and we had to repeat ourselves several times before we were understood. There were many agonizing decisions that we had to make regarding the crust and the toppings without having the slightest idea of what we were choosing. Our multiple Indian accents certainly did not help matters.

After we finished ordering, the man asked, 'For here, or to go?'. It took us a couple of iterations to get this riddle unscrambled. When we thought we had understood the question, we said somewhat triumphantly, 'We would like to eat here and then go' and waited for our pizzas.

It would be nice if pizzas came with a warning, but I think there is a sort of initiation rite to pizzas that everyone must go through. The cheese and the sauce are at insanely high temperatures thus ensuring that the first bite invariably burns your mouth. After we peeled the hot cheese off the roof of our mouths, we ate what we could (it looked like we had ordered enough food to last us a couple of days - another rookie mistake) and got up to leave when we were startled by the waiter asking us if we wanted him to pack up the remaining food for us. We had never heard of this in India. The idea struck us as bizarre and we declined his offer.

Thus ended our first outing in America. We thought we spoke perfectly decent English, but that was obviously not going to be enough. We would need some serious schooling in American.

The Auto Standoff

One of the most harrowing experiences that a visitor to Chennai must face is the encounter with the auto rickshaw or more precisely the driver of that three-wheeled taxi. Come to think of it, I think even residents of the city dread this. The normal protocol for hiring a cab in most places is to hail the cab, get into the vehicle and then tell the driver where to go. But this is not the procedure in Chennai.

You will hail the auto-rickshaw. If the driver decides to stop, he will stick his head out and want to know where you want to go. He may sometimes merely raise a quizzical eyebrow instead of asking. If your destination is not among the places in his approved list, then he will quickly pull his head in much like a tortoise that senses danger and then speed away quite unlike the tortoise (more like the hare), but not before registering his irritation for having wasted his time over you by uttering 'tcha'. You will have seen both the tortoise and the hare imitated in the space of a few seconds by a sourpuss.

Even if he is willing to take you, it is foolhardy to board the vehicle before a verbal contract is concluded with the driver on the fare. You will have to ask what the fare will be. You may get a simple answer or face a few questions about your destination perhaps to determine how familiar you are with the city. The important thing to remember is not to get into the rickshaw until a fare is agreed upon. The driver may urge you to get in and keep pretending that the fare is no issue. This may go on for a while. He may even say, 'Pay what is fair'. I am not sure how you will know what the fair amount should be. In any case, after all these preliminaries, the fare demanded will be astronomical. You will have to negotiate it down to earth. The whole  process generally leaves you with a bad taste in the mouth.

The alternate way to engage an auto is to go to the neighbourhood auto stand. This may seem like a better bet since the auto is already parked and clearly waiting for a customer. You will actually be received warmly there. But the problem here is that the driver of the auto at the head of the queue is often away having tea or lunch or something. You have to wait for him. The other drivers will cluster around you asking where you are bound and all that and someone will eventually get the missing driver. Then the negotiations take a different tack since you are now effectively dealing with the whole group.  They will even argue among themselves about the fairness of the fare demanded. You usually end up feeling finessed by a sort of good cop, bad cop routine.

About the worst place to hire an auto in the city is at the Central Station. I used to dread getting off the train in Chennai. The way you can tell natives of the city from visitors as they get off the train is to see who looks tense or apprehensive. The visitor has no idea of the auto standoff and so will be relaxed while the residents will be girding up for the inevitable duel with the driver with tension written all over their faces. Even as people get off the train, while possibly trying to keep up with the quick-footed porter who is carrying their luggage, drivers start accosting them. The hapless passengers are at the mercy of the drivers. The chaos outside the station is unbelievable. I am told that there is a prepaid scheme in place now and so the situation may have improved.

What is the worst that the auto driver can demand? To be paid by the meter! Seriously, if he offers to ferry you to your destination and get paid per the meter, I am told that you should just run in the other direction. Apparently, the meter is always tampered with and will end up costing you enormously. It might as well display 'ha, ha' or 'gotcha'!

The only way to avoid the problem is to use taxis instead. Taxis are not available for hailing on the street, but must be called for. This may not be possible at all times, but they certainly offer a hassle-free transport when available. And, by all accounts, their business is booming. Ironic, considering that taxis were more or less put out of business by the growth of autos in the first place.

Update: I have been informed that there is a new initiative by 'Namma Auto' which will ply autos with digital meters and strict adherence to it (what a concept) among other improvements in service. It sounds really good and hard negotiations may become history if this succeeds and forces all auto owners to adopt the model.